This is something I wrote on my way home from Congo. Thought I'd post it...
You'd think after being overseas for almost three years, I'd be excited to come home. Nay, ecstatic, even. But I'm not. don't get me wrong, I want to get to see my family, reconnect with friends, enjoy hot showers and high speed internet. But I've also created a new home in Congo, with new friends and family. If I could have both in one place, I'd have the best of both worlds. Unfortunately I only get one or the other. No matter where I am, people on one continent or another are crying.
I've often thought to myself: would I be able to do this if I were married? If I had children? Would I be able to live overseas, knowing my kids might not really know their grandparents or cousins? It's already hard enough thinking that my nieces and nephews might not ever know me very well. I think the overall answer is "yes". If that's what God called me to do, I'd do it. It might be hard, it might not be the life I originally planned or thought I'd have, but I'd be doing God's will, and that would make it worth it.
I don't want to you to think I'm overly pious or something. I'm not. I still struggle with the same stuff you do. I want to do things myself. Selfish me wants to believe I know better than God. I sometimes feel dry-unable to really pray, unable to enjoy praise and worship, because I sometimes feel empty inside, from pouring myself out so much (usually in physical work, at the hospital). What I continually strive to balance is serving but not burning out; serving but taking the time to rest; serving but not getting over-extended and frustrated. I don't think anyone has perfected it, but I do think there are some that do it better than others. I'm still learning.
You'd think after being overseas for almost three years, I'd be excited to come home. Nay, ecstatic, even. But I'm not. don't get me wrong, I want to get to see my family, reconnect with friends, enjoy hot showers and high speed internet. But I've also created a new home in Congo, with new friends and family. If I could have both in one place, I'd have the best of both worlds. Unfortunately I only get one or the other. No matter where I am, people on one continent or another are crying.
I've often thought to myself: would I be able to do this if I were married? If I had children? Would I be able to live overseas, knowing my kids might not really know their grandparents or cousins? It's already hard enough thinking that my nieces and nephews might not ever know me very well. I think the overall answer is "yes". If that's what God called me to do, I'd do it. It might be hard, it might not be the life I originally planned or thought I'd have, but I'd be doing God's will, and that would make it worth it.
I don't want to you to think I'm overly pious or something. I'm not. I still struggle with the same stuff you do. I want to do things myself. Selfish me wants to believe I know better than God. I sometimes feel dry-unable to really pray, unable to enjoy praise and worship, because I sometimes feel empty inside, from pouring myself out so much (usually in physical work, at the hospital). What I continually strive to balance is serving but not burning out; serving but taking the time to rest; serving but not getting over-extended and frustrated. I don't think anyone has perfected it, but I do think there are some that do it better than others. I'm still learning.
1 comment:
Well, if it makes you feel any better... I'm still learning too. A worthy goal to work toward!
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